What *not* to do...
Since I seem to be the Queen of knowing what not to do in a relationship/dating situation, let me share… People are always asking me for advice with the person that they are interested in, their current boyfriend/girlfriend, or their husband/wife. Why? I have no fucking idea. Clearly I am not the poster child for functioning and happy relationships so the only thing I can conclude is that they know how good I am at doing it wrong. Amazing how you can see so clearly what is right and wrong in a relationship when you are no longer in one. A curse? Or simply the universe’s way of giving you a wet willy? Either way, I am relationship challenged or incapable of picking an appropriate match for myself. So, if you care, let me enlighten you with things I do know.
1. You have all read (presumably) my tips on how to pick up men. So you know that you need to be assertive and unafraid of rejection in all of it’s various evil and scary forms. So let me tell you a few things not to do when trying to pick up a guy. Don’t push yourself on someone who isn’t interested. Leave them alone. Do you really want to force some guy [or girl] to like you? Ok... Hello? No. Why did that take you so long?? In a minor instance you will just be considered annoying, maybe crazy. In a major instance, it will be considered harassment or rape. Back off. No sign that they are digging you the way you are digging them? Take a fucking hint and leave them alone.
2. Assuming you got past #1 (I can only hope you did!) then it’s time to try and be cool. Yeah, you’ve seen people in movies freaking out about whether or not he [or she] is going to call. Don’t be that person, please. Go out, be alive and just check your machine when you get home. Do not, I repeat, do not, call and say ‘my machine doesn’t seem to working and I was wondering if you had called’. Do not, again I repeat, do not call every time you think of a seemingly valid reason to. Being too available isn’t attractive (shocking huh?) and you will come off as desperate. While I understand being desperate as much as anyone, the person you are trying to snag is going to bolt. So, I reiterate, play it cool. Remember those friends you have? Call them, go out see a movie, read a book, breathe. I know a lot of people aren’t into games, but when it comes to calling it really is a matter of tennis [ball in their court analogy]. He called? You call him back, then he calls, etc.
3. Lose your insecurity issues. Don’t be a jealous psychopath. Believe it or not people don’t dig this particular trait. In fact, it is extremely unattractive. Guess what? He is going to have girl *friends* just like you have guy *friends*. That’s what they are. Don’t get all nuts about it. They are going to talk and hang out just like they did before you. In fact, they have seniority so you had better get used to them being around. In fact, embrace it and become their friend. You can do that, it’s ok.
4. Do not, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT delve into his [or her] past. Yeah, you’re sitting on the couch watching reruns of Friends, telling each other how much you love each other. Even the actors on Friends are rolling their eyes at you when you aren’t looking. You are fully in love and disgusting and we [single people] hate you. He reaches over and does that really cool thing with his tongue on your neck that you love and you say ‘I love that, where did you learn it?’… NOOOOOO!!! All of those cool tricks he [or she] knows in bed? Don’t ask; just be happy that he [or she] knows them. And as a disclaimer, don’t tell either. Yeah, they always say that they want to know and you always believe that your magic number isn’t going to bother them. Guess what? It will. They will wonder who they are being compared to and you will wonder the same thing. The past is better left in the past. Leave it there, I beseech you.
5. Ok, so you have made it past all of the initial idiocies that generally ruin perfectly good attempts at love. You are a couple. Those gagging noises you used to hear from other people who heard you say ‘snookums’ and ‘sugar dumplin’ have stopped as you have reverted back to using regular names or just ‘honey’ and ‘babe’ which are acceptable. Next no-no? Don’t lose yourself. You are still supposed to have friends. You don’t have to do everything as a couple. You still need to go out with your friends and they still need to go out with theirs. You still like to go to scrap booking classes and they still like their synchronized swimming, so go, be you, let them be them. If you lose yourself and the things you like then you will eventually resent the other person. So figure out what you like doing together and what you like doing apart and do these things.
6. COMMUNICATE… And be honest. Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone’s saying it. But it is so true. Anything that will last will last because you talked to each other. You told them that leaving their towel on the ground bothered you and they told you that getting ‘Ken’s Bitch’ tattooed on your back was less of a compliment and more… well… weird and maybe a little crazy. If you love each other, you can work things out as long as you both know that there are things to work out.
Ok, that is all of the enlightenment I can give you today, dear reader. I am clocking out now and going home. Please feel free to add comments below and let me know if you agree or disagree or have something to add. I know that it’s sometimes hard for me admit that I don’t have all of the answers, but that’s why I have all of you right?? lol
Have a good night!
~Kate
1. You have all read (presumably) my tips on how to pick up men. So you know that you need to be assertive and unafraid of rejection in all of it’s various evil and scary forms. So let me tell you a few things not to do when trying to pick up a guy. Don’t push yourself on someone who isn’t interested. Leave them alone. Do you really want to force some guy [or girl] to like you? Ok... Hello? No. Why did that take you so long?? In a minor instance you will just be considered annoying, maybe crazy. In a major instance, it will be considered harassment or rape. Back off. No sign that they are digging you the way you are digging them? Take a fucking hint and leave them alone.
2. Assuming you got past #1 (I can only hope you did!) then it’s time to try and be cool. Yeah, you’ve seen people in movies freaking out about whether or not he [or she] is going to call. Don’t be that person, please. Go out, be alive and just check your machine when you get home. Do not, I repeat, do not, call and say ‘my machine doesn’t seem to working and I was wondering if you had called’. Do not, again I repeat, do not call every time you think of a seemingly valid reason to. Being too available isn’t attractive (shocking huh?) and you will come off as desperate. While I understand being desperate as much as anyone, the person you are trying to snag is going to bolt. So, I reiterate, play it cool. Remember those friends you have? Call them, go out see a movie, read a book, breathe. I know a lot of people aren’t into games, but when it comes to calling it really is a matter of tennis [ball in their court analogy]. He called? You call him back, then he calls, etc.
3. Lose your insecurity issues. Don’t be a jealous psychopath. Believe it or not people don’t dig this particular trait. In fact, it is extremely unattractive. Guess what? He is going to have girl *friends* just like you have guy *friends*. That’s what they are. Don’t get all nuts about it. They are going to talk and hang out just like they did before you. In fact, they have seniority so you had better get used to them being around. In fact, embrace it and become their friend. You can do that, it’s ok.
4. Do not, I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT delve into his [or her] past. Yeah, you’re sitting on the couch watching reruns of Friends, telling each other how much you love each other. Even the actors on Friends are rolling their eyes at you when you aren’t looking. You are fully in love and disgusting and we [single people] hate you. He reaches over and does that really cool thing with his tongue on your neck that you love and you say ‘I love that, where did you learn it?’… NOOOOOO!!! All of those cool tricks he [or she] knows in bed? Don’t ask; just be happy that he [or she] knows them. And as a disclaimer, don’t tell either. Yeah, they always say that they want to know and you always believe that your magic number isn’t going to bother them. Guess what? It will. They will wonder who they are being compared to and you will wonder the same thing. The past is better left in the past. Leave it there, I beseech you.
5. Ok, so you have made it past all of the initial idiocies that generally ruin perfectly good attempts at love. You are a couple. Those gagging noises you used to hear from other people who heard you say ‘snookums’ and ‘sugar dumplin’ have stopped as you have reverted back to using regular names or just ‘honey’ and ‘babe’ which are acceptable. Next no-no? Don’t lose yourself. You are still supposed to have friends. You don’t have to do everything as a couple. You still need to go out with your friends and they still need to go out with theirs. You still like to go to scrap booking classes and they still like their synchronized swimming, so go, be you, let them be them. If you lose yourself and the things you like then you will eventually resent the other person. So figure out what you like doing together and what you like doing apart and do these things.
6. COMMUNICATE… And be honest. Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone’s saying it. But it is so true. Anything that will last will last because you talked to each other. You told them that leaving their towel on the ground bothered you and they told you that getting ‘Ken’s Bitch’ tattooed on your back was less of a compliment and more… well… weird and maybe a little crazy. If you love each other, you can work things out as long as you both know that there are things to work out.
Ok, that is all of the enlightenment I can give you today, dear reader. I am clocking out now and going home. Please feel free to add comments below and let me know if you agree or disagree or have something to add. I know that it’s sometimes hard for me admit that I don’t have all of the answers, but that’s why I have all of you right?? lol
Have a good night!
~Kate
posted by katehopeeden @ 4:41 PM
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